Thru depression into gratitude: my journey

(This entry was written a few days ago but due to certain challenges beyond my control, I could only post it late)

Fighting depression is difficult. Many a time you look to ppl who you love n who love you back to reach out to but they are not available. The devastation can be lethal n it often is. Depression isn’t really timed to come up when it is convenient. It just hits you and one minute you were this happy person looking forward to doing the next thing n the very next second you’re this weepy, teary person who can’t find anything worth holding on to. 

It is a mental battle, whose gravity I’m beginning to appreciate. Sometimes there are triggers so if you are aware of them, you steer clear but often times, it’s subconscious…. your mind is battling issues, blowing them out of proportion or telling you that you can’t resolve whatever issues, or convincing you that you are indeed alone, unwanted, unloved, worthless etc. You might have the most supportive of family/ friends/ partner/ colleagues but all those pale into the shadows of this strong mental battle that rages silently in your head. We live in this world where we got lots of struggles and are pressure to deliver, to keep time, to meet deadlines etc, and we often push these ahead of people. We often forget that we’re in this hustle for others (be it to provide certain things- a financially stable life for family; products and services for bosses; salaries for employees; clean and safe home for family; gifts for friends etc). In our bid to meet these targets n deadlines, we push away n ignore the very ppl we are doing this for.

I was moved to write this after reading Max Soutter ‘s Facebook post (When you’re late for a meeting and your son is finishing his “I love you, dad, drawing for you n it’s important to him that he gives it to you) Many a time, we’re caught in these scenarios- two equally important things need our attention. One of these things is important to you (the meeting, in this case) and the other is important to someone else (the drawing, in this case.) When was the last time you made someone who’s important to you KNOW and FEEL that they are important to you? When did you last pay attention to those who are important to you? Do you even know who is important to you? How do you show/ tell them?

It is often difficult for someone to reach out and tell you that they wd want your attention. Trust me, the feeling of guilt is huge. They already know that you have many demands on your time and attention as it is. Picture this- you have a deadline that’s already running late and you’re working from home. You’ve got kids and your spouse who also require your attention. You also have family n friends who know that you’ve clocked off n therefore assume that it is time to catch up etc. This deadline is a  make or break for the company/organisation and must be met. (I’m already feeling pressured by this scenario I’m creating as it is) Now, if your partner or relative wd want just a few minutes to offload/vent or to sound out something/seek your confirmation on something, they already know how under pressure they are (or they might not) 

How you handle their reaching out to you for your attention becomes critical. Most of us tend to speak from a position of pressure- irritated/angry. The tone and/ choice of words often speaks more to your spouse than what you’re actually saying. Of course, they shd know better than to try n reach out to you than when you’re under such pressure. BUT that doesn’t make snapping or ignoring them the right way of handling the situation. Maybe they have been struggling for weeks now to tell you that they are being retrenched and today was the day they finally gathered the courage to tell you because tomorrow you’d hv gone on to make that booking to some holiday that you’ll no longer be able to afford. Maybe today was the day they wanted to tell you that they have been struggling to tell you that they were diagnosed with some terminal illness three months back n time is running out on their life. Maybe today wd be the day they finally gathered the courage to tell you that your parent/sibling has been keeping away from you some devastating news. Maybe just maybe today wd be the day they WD open up about how they think that they are useless/worthless/problematic and it’s better off they die.

I don’t know what today cd mean for them or for you. But for me, as finally the words n encouragement I’ve been receiving from my dear friend n family behind to sink in, today means I take stock of what’s important in my life. I take stock of who’s important to me. I am important to me. I need me at my best before i can be of any hello to anyone else. Only when I’m in a better mental space can i make sure that I can love my family and friends and reach out to them, listen to them when they want my time and attention. After today, I can reaffirm them of my love for them. I am deliberately setting aside time to focus on PPL because I realise that it is ppl who have helped me stay sane,  who have held my hand when i had given up, who carried me when i didn’t see the need to walk on, who listened when I was overwhelmed by stress, grief and pain, it is ppl who validated me when I felt worthless, unloved and unwanted. It is ppl who have reminded me that being loved isn’t only about the feel good time but it is about the willingness to get into the mud of despair, hurt, pain, grief etc and do what it takes to bring me out. It is ppl who have prayed for me, shared scripture with me, encouraged me with songs, words and offered their ears n shoulders. 

It is a difficult getting out of bed on some days. It has been difficult to eat even. It had been much easier to sleep and cry and complain n feel rejected, unwanted and unloved. It has been much easier to listen to the voice in my head telling me that I’m worthless. It has been much easier to pretend to hear what my friends n family have been saying about loving me, appreciating me, than it has to silence n drown that voice that speaks of darkness n worthlessness. 

I am a fighter and have this sunny disposition but there are demons I battle every once in a while. They are dark and powerful and I don’t take them for granted cz they can easily overpower me. I’m learning to reach out to friends n family when they come but it’s not easy. (I don’t want to hear the  disappointmentt n shock at how someone like me can be so despairing of life. I don’t want to hear the  judgement in those holy ones who see me as being blasphemous when I question my faith or God. I don’t want to take precious time away from my family n friends cz they have more than enough on their plate already- I don’t wanna be selfish. I fear that what I’m falling to cope with is going to be trivialised and ridiculed….. the reasons are many) 

Today, I am grateful for my very life. It might not be where I want it to be but its definitely not that bad. I might not be the person I thought I’d be by now, but I’ve surely come from far from where I started. I might not have what I wanted to have had by now but I surely have learnt a lot of lessons, achieved more than I can count or be grateful for, I have a whole lot more storms I’ve survived, there are more scars that show me that I’ve overcome that I’m stronger today than I was yesterday. I can accept this self comfort knowing that the clouds are blowing away and tomorrow I look forward to smiling for a longer time and crying for a lesser time. I might even dance but above all, I’m actually looking forward to a tomorrow! 

(The album Open Heaven by Hillsong is on repeat and has helped me to smile. Kari Jobe’s Holy Spirit helped me to recenter myself when the tears would not stop. Somehow, my friends, family n prayer circle have kept watering my faith thru this difficult time. I’m grateful)

My Vows My Responsibility

Here is my lawyer….Tarie, you make way too much sense but then again common sense is not common, even among our esteemed judiciary folk.😉

tarytells

The issue of adultery damages usually opens up unruly debates which are never conclusive. Married women in most instances pull out daggers protecting their marriages while men are not amused by such stances when their wives sue the ‘other woman’. What always baffles me is that when a man who has been adamant that a woman should not sue a girlfriend of their husband is asked if he should sue for adultery damages from a man who has an affair with his wife they are incensed.
Adultery is when two people have an intimate relationship and one or both of them are married to someone else at that time. Adultery damages are awarded to compensate the injured party. At law they are compensated for two things: Contumelia and lack of consortium. Contumelia is about hurt, pain and indignity that is as a result of the adultery whilst consortium refers to…

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Battles between grammar and creation

I’m seated on my bed (do I say that I’m seated IN my bed?) a day after my 14th 20th birthday😉 and I’m thinking… Why did God create full grown adults? I mean,  He could have created babies and seen them grow and all that but (or do I say ‘hey’?) The Almighty One chose Adam and Eve to be full grown adults.  At least that’s the impression most of us have. He could also have just created old people.

Emma

#RatedLoose How many wives are having sex for their husbands? How many men don’t even know that their wives are off sex/ not feeling it/ doing it for the marriage’s sake?
This is one heck of a thought-provoking blog. Please read it and share it and discuss it. Tag me @shhhtendo (T) R Tendo Tapiwa (Fb), let’s discuss.

The sex is still as frequent although I dont ever feel like it or enjoy it.

Watched a movie called “The Colour Purple” the other day. The scene that still haunts me is the one in which Netty speaks to Shug, who is her husbands mistress really, about how sex is a non-event for her. Shug is shocked because when she sleeps with the same man its heaven but Netty speaks of it like dude is “going to the toilet on her”. Its haunting me so much because I know I am Netty too only I learnt how to pretend because mama said thats what good wives do. They put their man first and they never let their true feelings show”

Pfimbi Yangu

*This story is about an imaginary young woman called Emma.

“To be really honest, sometimes I wish we would just cuddle and fall asleep. I see the look in his eyes tonight though and my heart sinks. There will be no going peacefully to sleep for me. He has been making eyes at me all night and I know that look too well. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband, its the sex I hate. I am dreading it.

After dinner I linger and watch TV as he goes on to bed hoping that maybe he will fall asleep waiting for me.

Half an hour later I tip toe into the bedroom and he is wide awake laughing at his phone screen. No doubt catching up on Twitter, he is an addict.

Soon as he sees me walk in he puts the phone aside and says, “Come here pumpkin”…

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Life lessons from a missed deadline

So I missed a writing contest deadline by 30mins and it has left me feeling meh. All the same, I am gonna put the story out here just so I know I did it. I will self-comfort and look at it as if I was one of those who did not win the contest. After all, only one person was gonna win it anyway and there were 720 people who had indicated their intentions to enter this 24 hour writing contest. I think my take home here is this:

“Better to have run and finished the race than to have started it and given up along the way on realising that winning was out of reach.”

Here is the story and I would appreciate your feedback:

PS: the words in bold are the words we had to use to start and end the story and they came from A wonderful Zimbabwean writer, Tendai Huchu. Do look him up and read his work. I enjoyed The Hairdresser of Harare and am looking forward to reading his other works.

PPS: the story has no title….and the images are meant to make the story blog-friendly….

_________________________________________________________________________________________

They laid the train tracks back to front and this caused a great deal of confusion – you’d think you were on the train to New York and arrived in Kinshasa, or to Shanghai and found yourself lost in Istanbul. Yet he knew that he had to refrain from asking any questions. He bowed his head and carried on digging and shoving as much of the mud out of the tunnel as quickly as possible. He was a nobody, nameless, identity-less and it would do him no good to draw any attention to himself by asking questions.

(image from http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1282458/thumbs/o-SALTY-SWEAT-570.jpg?1)

(image from huffpost.com)

Sweat ran down his arms, back and face as if he had had a bucket of water poured over him. He kept working- one shovelful of dirt over the other. He worked silently and barely stopped to rest as the other labourers did from time to time. He could not afford to have anyone look at him or engage him in any conversation. He kept to himself during breaks and walked to the compound on his own. His days were numbered and he did not want anyone to be able to remember him.

whilst others enjoyed the breaks, he kept to himself (image from hotpaknews.com)

whilst others enjoyed the breaks, he kept to himself
(image from hotpaknews.com)

He wore dark clothes that did not stand out. He always had on a hat right down to his dark eyes. He never laughed at any of the jokes that were shared- he could not afford to have anyone recall his neither his voice nor his laugh. His life was one of silence. He was a silent figure, acquaintanced with the darkness.

his company was the darkness  (image from www.wattpad.com)

his company was the darkness
(image from http://www.wattpad.com)

He had come to Durban a few weeks earlier on a personal mission. He knew no one and did not want to be known. The site was presently in turmoil as people rushed back and forth between the foreman and the supervisor. The railway line was already running a few months behind schedule and this latest incident would cost the whole project a few more months as well as half a million more Rand to correct.

The weather was partly to blame. It had been raining on and off for two months now and no one could predict the weather accurately anymore. The rains had come later than usual. Many of the local young who could have been employed by the project had set out in search of greener pastures. However, in all fairness, the supervisor, Greit du Pleissis, was the major reason for the delay as well as the ever-ballooning budget. He had no idea what he was doing half the time and was constantly seeking approval from head office and this caused unnecessary delays.

The rains pounded down ferociously  (image from www.sowetanlive.co.za)

The rains pounded down ferociously
(image from http://www.sowetanlive.co.za)

Today, the entire Durban population had come to the site and it was chaotic. So much confusion as everybody suddenly wanted to find out how the project was progressing. The MEC for Health was in town and would make a stop at the site. The labourers were in panic and the supervisor was steadily drinking himself into a state. Kids were thrilled to be out in the mud and were making a nuisance of themselves.

there was mud all over (image courtesy of www.dailymail.co.uk)

there was mud all over (image courtesy of http://www.dailymail.co.uk)

Brightly coloured clothes were soon mud stained and mothers were screaming in frustration from the old platform with the makeshift roof. The fathers walked around the site as if they knew what the hell was going on. One man had got his hand severed by one of the machines he had tried to operate and the ambulance was nowhere in sight. He was in shock and losing a lot of blood. Someone was screaming for some whisky. A child had fallen into one of the ditches and the police were struggling to restrain the excitable crowd.

Through all this madness, he kept his head bowed down and kept shovelling, he had a mission to accomplish. It began to rain earnestly again. Even in the rain, he could feel his own sweat washing his body. One more shovelful of mud and he was ready to stop. It was time.

man digging a hole in the ground with shovel and spade

man digging a hole in the ground with shovel and spade

He stepped out of the ditch, went to a corner and lit a cigarette but he did not smoke it. He watched the mayhem and looked at his watch. In a few minutes, he went to clock out but he did not leave the site. He went across the old platform and joined the Durbanites in waiting for the big boss lady. Any minute now, she would arrive ushered by a host of police patrol cars and fawning government officials.

he held the smoke in his hand  (image from www.shutterstock.com)

he held the smoke in his hand
(image from http://www.shutterstock.com)

Even headquarters had sent a welcoming party. If only they knew. From nowhere, a blast of lightning struck through the encroaching darkness scaring half the women and children at the platform. It was ominously silent after its wake and this silence greeted the MEC as she stepped out of her government vehicle and onto the new platform.
“Amandla”
“Ngawetu”               

(amandla.tumblr.com)

(amandla.tumblr.com)

She knew where her bread was buttered, alright but she did not know that sensible shoes were necessary if she was to tour a railway laying site. As she stepped to the podium that looked awkwardly out of place with its ribbons and laces, she slipped. A collective gasp came from the waiting crowd. She recovered quickly and made it to the podium. She was opening her mouth when it happened.

(image from pixshark.com)

(image from pixshark.com)

The entire platform began to move. Confusion animated her face and she stood for a second staring at the podium. No one understood what was happening despite watching it unfold. The platform literally sank out of sight right in front of their eyes, along with the MEC and the officials who were with her leaving just the tracks. A bolt of lightning struck again, as if on cue and ripped the roof off the old platform and the heavens bursts their flood gates.

image from (www.maniacworld.com)

image from (www.maniacworld.com)

One bolt of lightning followed the sunken platform and smoke came out like a pleasing sacrifice to the gods. The newly formed hole soon filled up with dirty, flowing water. No one could move. Even if they wanted to, they could not because the rain dripping from the rusty gutters made a curtain between the platform and the tracks.
(© R Tendo Tapiwa, 2015)

An even closer look at miracle of belly fat melting

So, the UFIC, headed by prophet Emmanuel Makandiwa, has released a video which I suspect to be a response to the articles and comments on yet another video that “exposed” a fake miracle he performed a while back- it must have been during an Easter conference. I take the liberty to assume that I am one of the people targeted by the new video as I wrote my own article addressing today’s miracle loving Christians. (I do indulge in my own nice dreams. LOL)

Dreaming of being addressed by papa. LOL #zvirotoZviroto

Dreaming of being addressed by papa. LOL #zvirotoZviroto

Anyway, having watched several videos; the miracle exposing one, the response from the lady in red…and no, it is not the one who is addressed by the beautiful song.. as well as others that have been shared all over, I have several issues that i noticed.
1. 17 June is too late to do a response video on a miracle yekuEaster..weirdly, online media are placing these miracles, for they are many, to have taken place in early February…which is the real date here?- the one the ‘healed’ lady says (Easter?) or the ones the media registered? (February/ January 2013? There is even a July 2014!) seems this miracle is like manna, it is too regular an occurrence.

manna was plenty...belly fat loss is plenty plus

manna was plenty…belly fat loss is plenty plus

2. The husband is not convincing as a man who once had issues in his marriage cz of this “offending” chidumbu. The lady mentions at the beginning of her 17 June 2015 testimonial, that her name is Beatrice Muza, yet on the Youtube link of the ‘miracle’ she ‘received’ her “husband” Joseph Muza claims her to be Beatrice Mhike. Could this be a case of using married name or the name from her father? (Mhike/Muza) or someone forgot to check up on the minute details that some of us can grab a hold of? Anyway, the lady mentioned that she has a history of cervical cancer…can she produce the medical reports and can her oncologist confirm this? Jesus asked people to show themselves to the priests wani.

Ok, testimonial: check Now to get a medical verification

Ok, testimonial: check
Now to get a medical verification

3. This lady has gone back to putting on some of the dresses that she “couldn’t put on” Hoo, ko why is it that on the first video, her bust and under-arm were still with the “weight”? So these dresses were only tight on her tummy area? hmmm. Why is she wearing such lose fitting clothes in the testimonial video? It just raises my eyebrows and brings a sound from my throat.

yeah, right!

yeah, right!

4. That husband ought to have kept quiet. Why start by going at the ppl like me, “who are writing negative things about the” prophet (manje ini hangu am on about the miracle kkkk) anyway, What was his reason for doing the video? His happiness at the lost belly or the “attacks” on the prophet? hmmm Anyway, so because I commented questioning the miracle, I am now on the “other side” of the “kingdom” he belongs to? I am tempted to give an emphatic YES! I doubt I come from the same kingdom as that guy. I am not even sure what kingdom he lives in, so no, I will not want to claim that we mean or represent the same kingdom. LOL
5. This guy claims to have commented on Nehanda TV…I am yet to see his comment. I cd have missed his real name on the list of commentators, can someone help me read it? If he used a pseudonym, why not stand out tall and proud?

In the video of her miracle, I have several points I marked-
a) Who is the lady at 1.57?
b)  What is happening at 6.27-6.34?
c) What is that sound at 6.35, 36, 37?
d) Why does the prophet rush to ask “How do you fake this” in this original video at around 8.33? Who had said anything about fake or genuineness?
e) At 9.43 a guy comes thru and mentions something to the effect that the lady lost 12kilos!! Wow, yet her arms are not changed. All that weight was on her stomach?? Incredible!
f). At 09.53 there are two ladies in the overflow. One is ecstatic at her miracle and the other one is just meh about it. Interesting (just stuff I am observing on the video)
g) At 10.08 there is that sound again…can someone tell me what it is?
h) That lady at 10.27 is she the same one at 1.57 now in the overflow? Thought she had been in the main auditorium

Back to the Nehanda TV post

6) One comment from there just about sums up some of the comments shared on the “fake video expose” :Let me copy it as is: Ruth Dhafu Dhundu • 6 days ago
Dai mukadzi wake akafuta zvaakaita here iye achiita minana yakadai

prophetess and 'papa' prophet Makandiwa

prophetess and ‘papa’ prophet Makandiwa

Parting shot: Beatrice and everyone else behind this response, here is my two cents:

It appears, to me at least, kuti you want to invite people to your church, all good and dandy. I am one unbeliever of this miracle and nothing short of medical reports of the said “changed” condition will convince me. I am like the believers at Berea of Acts 17.10-15- I go back home and read the Bible and question what I have heard. I just don’t swallow it all as it comes to my eyes and ears. Ehe, I am a doubting Thomas, now, let me touch those wounds so I believe! don’t invite me to your church because I am not seeking a church, I am seeking Jesus. I am not seeking miracles but I am seeking to have a healthy relationship with God. Zvekuita mwana wapapa izvi, ini hangu handidi. (I do not fancy being a daughter of papa.)

What or who is the church?

What or who is the church?

#NdiMaMoyoAdaro

(apologies for not citing the sources of the images. I do not have copyright to any of these images.)