Fears in the heart

 

Opening my mouth and fearing to let go the words at the very tip of my tongue

How do I let them go when I am not sure of the fate that awaits me once I speak?

 

I want to tell you, to tell the world, to tell me in the presence of myself, you and someone else

I think twice, not because I am not sure of my words

I think twice because I am not sure of the reaction

I have said these words over and over and over again

I might say them many more times to myself

 

My blood grows warmer as my heart whispers to my head

My eyes dilate as my brain tells it what my heart means

My palms sweat in anticipation and

My throat constricts just s my voice releases

 

I feel my nostrils flaring, my breathing erratic

I feel my stomach churn as my thinking ceases

I feel all my senses numb

I suddenly come alive and y hands wrap themselves ‘round your throat,

My teeth sink into your neck as my tongue tastes your blood flowing onto it,

My mind fails to comprehend what is going on

The taste of blood is just as strong as the fresh smell of it,

Repulsed, I try to let go as I am suddenly aware that my ears have been deafened by the rage coursing through me

Disturbed, I am aware that I am weirdly satisfied at the sight of your blood,

I am oddly pleased that I am the cause of your pain and misery

 

I loved you, and maybe I will always

However, you have soured it for me and for anyone else to come

You have defiled my heart by desecrating my body and vandalising my mind

I am now an animal and as such, I relate to you

When in Rome… and now I have done as you, my Roman, do

 

I open my mouth and I fear that I may just let the words come out

I open my mouth and fear that which I have just dreamed of will occur

So, I open my mouth and take a deep breath and expel it on a shake of the head

                “Nothing, I think…Was I dreaming?” I ask you

It is time I left you, went back to the beginning, picked up my bags, my dignity and self-respect

I fear, my heart is now fraudulent and crooked

One day, I just might do what I dreamed I did to you

 

This is a deep fear in my heart, and I will not communicate it to you,

Lest you persuade me and this wickedly tempted body of mine will connive with this love-starved heart of mine

My attention-seeking arms will reach out to you and hold you close in a fatal embrace,

One that will seal my fate and these deaf ears of mine will not bother to listen to my dreams

 

And I just might

 

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3 thoughts on “Fears in the heart

  1. Pingback: I blame myself | Desidera Deliciae

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