An Open Invitation To His Mistress(es)

Please accept this invite

Hi there,

Normally, I would not have communicated with you in such a manner but I think that it is best we put my husband’s interests at the fore and forego petty jealousies. You already know my name and I will say that I got your ‘name’ from my husband’s phone. It was saved as ‘Mechanic’ and I want to think that this is just a decoy. Anyway, I am proposing a win-win situation:

May you please accept an invitation to dinner or coffee or some such meal or tea where we can get to know one another. I have it on good authority that when you and I get to know one another, we can then understand each other and together, we can safeguard our health and that of our mutual man. Please note that I say ‘mutual’, it is not meant as a slur but I am being open… just in case, you know these things.

For starters, we have to reduce our attractiveness to him and also to other men. There have been proposed measures we should take and I will elaborate on them as I go.

  1. I am not sure that I can carry a bald look.

    Not a lot of women can carry the bald look, I prefer keeping my hairdo

  2. I have had four children and unfortunately, I come from the gene pool where our stomachs tend to publicly declare and show off our baby-pooches therefore loosing weight is out of the question for me. I am almost a granma, my eldest daughter is turning twenty-eight and she could get married and have a baby any day now.
  3. As for the cutting my bath times, I must admit that I have become too accustomed to the luxuries of bathing twice a day and I am not willing to give up my daily regime. Maybe you can reduce your bath times to say- twice a week and when you are menstruating, you will be allowed to add one more bath. You will have to discuss this with my husband just so you can agree on what will make him not be attracted to you that much. I heard from my own tete that he now values me for the children I bore him. Well, I will not get into the details of my bedroom life with you.

    Give up my baths??

  4. I am not too sure what your wardrobe looks like and consists of but it has been proposed that we dress shabbily. I am not too sure I will be able to successfully pull it off seeing that I was socialised into being a smart woman, who always dresses well to please her man (mukadzi anopfeka zvinopachiremerera kuzita remurume wake.) I am sure that this is one topic we can discuss over tea or lunch or something…we are both women and we were used to dressing to the nines.
  5. Seeing that I am hitting menopause soon, I will not be needing any such creams that will drain the moisture from my nether regions and I am almost sure that having a Female Genital Mutilation at my age would be too traumatic for my body. I know that I am sounding too selfish but I want to believe that for all that I have given and sacrificed for my family, I am entitled to some selfishness. You want to be a part of my family and besides, ndimi muchirikutemwa dzinobva ropa so I am sure that you will quickly bounce back from the circumcision. In the meantime, I will try my best to keep him satisfied so he wont go to someone else whilst you are recuperating.  I would really hate to do this invitation thing to someone else.
  6. I will try to talk my husband to agree with us having sex once a month. I am not too sure when the pill to curb his sexual libido will be on the market. You would have to tell me when you would want to be having sex with him so that I do not administer the pill to him that morning. (I am assuming that the pill will work like an anti-viagra.) Details pertaining to the pill will only be finalised once it has been availed for purchase.

As you can see, there is a lot at stake and I would be more than willing to pick out a ‘small house’ for my husband should you decline my invite. I can easily check if ‘Office’ is really the office number or not. Or I can just as easily make her my new ‘friend’. I am merely being courteous seeing that you and him had already begun some sort of a relationship underneath my nose. I noticed that you seem to call him more frequently than ‘Office ‘ does. I am not threatening you but I am sincerely welcoming you in the hope that you will think like me that us (you and I) becoming friends is the sure most way of keeping tabs on my husband and ensuring that we all stay safe in this day and age when HIV n AIDS are playing havoc in our part of the world.

Fear not, I have received this advice from our national leaders, MPs at that, so trust you me, it is very sound and we would be foolish not to follow it. Help me play a part in the global campaign to fight HIV n AIDS by accepting my invitation.

Let us join in the fight

Yours sincerely wishing to get involved in the fight to end HIV n AIDS as well as willing to save my marriage at all costs,

Mrs Man.

ps: Do let me know when we can meet and catch up soonest. I would have to re-arrange my diary but for my marriage and our health, I will gladly do it.

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17 thoughts on “An Open Invitation To His Mistress(es)

  1. pdnwc (translated; pidigudhi netuweto chururu!) You just kiri me younger. wish l could steal this and send it out there!

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  2. Thank you for that.
    Move over colonisation, we need liberation again, from our own societal ideologies, indeed. It is frightening to know that in this day and age we have people who think and advocate for such things. I just thank God that at least they spoke up and now we know what they think. Imagine if they had just gone ahead and implemented these ideas? Well, some of them are now left to those who heard to implement and I pray that we will hear different stories and advise sooner rather than later.

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  3. A well thought letter you got there Rutendo. You are a true feminist who wish to see change through exposing our social dogmas that makes women to be trodden down upon through our dogmatic African ideologies of the so called culture. Big up my sister. I would encourage to push this splendid letter to the right people to bring change on these kind of perceptions that some are opting for.

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    • talk about being corky! Did i tell you that there is “office’ who regularly communicates with him as well? Oh well, i guess I have to talk to him to leave you out. It seems you have some one else who you would rather meet. remember, it is his best interests first. lol

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  4. Hello this small house has been there in all cultutres from time immemorial in all cultures. as much as one says culture is dynamic some things just take a different form. Women have and continue to know that . It is just scary that there is the HIV issue otherwise hey the small house issue is not going away no matter how one dreams about a Mills and Boon Lifestyle where one is the only woman in the men’s life. Obviously the people making pronouncements to know the “small house” have realised just that kuti she aint going away in whatever form, concubine, geisha, mainini, harem

    http://ancientstandard.com/2011/02/23/the-role-of-concubines-in-the-ancient-world/

    http://www.atimes.com/atimes/China/KG26Ad01.html

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2009/04/the-varieties-of-biblical-marriage/

    Take care of yo husband don’t try to change him too much once married to him. realise that confrontation does not wok in a marriage and someone always has to back down it can be the husband or wife in order to make things work. it is not a straight forward institution and def not one for feminists so guys just make your choices society wont change that easily,. sad but true!!!

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    • is it you who says take care of your husband? who is going to take care of the wife? The traditions of men have nullified the word of God. God created Adam and Eve not Eve and Mary! Just because it is in every culture does NOT make it right!
      Tell me something, just because the majority of election campaigns in Africa are marked by rigging and violence, does that make it right?
      well, if the ‘small house’ is not going away, can we then begin a ‘bigger man’ (the woman’s lover, who will become acknowledged and condoned with time, like the ‘small house’ currently is)? I don’t think so!

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      • am saying it wont change dont stress yourself too much about it well bigger man is a new thing not like small house so you creating and that wont necessarily work . revenge haibatsire chingochengeta murume wako zvakanaka and there is a chance he may not look at a small house

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  5. kwaaaaa kwa kwa kwa kwa. brilliant letter. i would have added that to ensure that she was doing her part, i would have to be present at all sex acts and I could play the referee to ensure that our man gave it to her realll good! nxaaaaaa.

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    • And I think I would just send her or give her the sex education and sex lessons guides. Watching would be too much to handle. Maybe I would record their sessions and then give her feedback

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