There are times when I just wanna scream out that I am not as strong as I look and sound. That I am not as competent and I am failing to cope. There are times when I just wanna take my very heart out and give it a thorough beating for feeling so deeply…but then again it is already in unbearable pain at this time. There are times I just wanna beat my own brain to a pulp for being so led to lead my heart to love so deeply.
(For being so stupid and wayward, imma get you and beat you to a pulp!)
There are days that I just wanna curl under my blankets and switch off my brain so that I do not think and feel. There are times when all I wanna do is to just release the floodgates, to open up the valve that is choking back my throat and to just let loose that scream of pain. To open the floodgates of tears and just weep myself into an uncontrollable frenzy because that is exactly how i am feeling at that time…uncontrollable.
There are times when i just wanna turn away that friend who means so well, who is telling me that it is gonna be alright because:
“I already know that it is gonna be alright, I have gone through pain before but for now, I just wanna wrap myself into this particular pain and just feel the life out of it.”
Yes, there are times that i just wanna be intimate with my current pain. I wanna feel my heart constricting painfully, I want the tears to flow hotly out of my eyes, I want my nose to get all runny and my eyes to get all red and swollen, I want my face to puff up and to feel the mucus running back down my throat as my head begins to pound with that familiar headache of crying so hard. I want to cry so hard that my chest threatens to crash as it reminds me that I am flesh and bone.
There are times when all I wanna do is to shut out the sun, bury myself in to the darkest of nights and just sit right in its midst. The times that I feel and recognise the darkest nights as suitable company for my pain. At these times, i do not even any hint of light.
I am talking of such pain that is more painful than physical pain yet manifests itself as such. The pain that makes one clutch one’s chest as if you would rip it (the pain ) right out the chest with the clenched fist. The pain that makes you grin and grind down your teeth as if you are having an explosion of tooth ache that is just not stopping. I am referring to a pain that is so deep that it feels as if a red hot, thick serrated knife is blindly cutting down the middle of your soul through your body, via your chest, round your back and across the depths of your stomach.
There are times that I just want it to be all that defines my moments and identity. Times when someone says, ‘Pain’ and I raise my head, my hand and body and, “You called? i am here.”
(My heart must be drunk and stoned at the same time, at times!)
Let me wallow in my pain, for now.