Dear boards of companies: my motivation and application and acceptance letter

Dear boards,

 

I am a young and very passionate female with a great vision and also lots of stamina to endure a lot of storms. I can weather a lot of storms, too. I have massive influence, just look at my Facebook profile and my Twitter account as evidence. I also blog and boast an impressive amount of human capital. It is with such leverage that I am confident that I will be an asset to your organisations. Just look at what Cuthbert Dube did with PSMAS, he did such a thorough job that he was paid insane amounts. I promise that I will do even more of a thorough job. The organisations will be creating applications that will bring us more money. As you can tell, I am already a part of us. Cuthbert sits on so many boards that I am convinced that as a woman, I should sit on more than him. I am sure that this is in line with your Gender Equity policies.

Do not, for a second hesitate to second me to your various boards as I am a very versatile woman who can fit in everywhere. In the streets, when I am a part of them, “ndinopfekerawo” but in Borrowdale Brooke and our luscious neighbourhood with the likes of Uncle Fidza, I am committed to ‘top drawer’ performance. I am sure that we shall not be calling people at night as we won’t be poor. As the head of our national broadcaster, I will make sure that I am subscribed to all cable TV networks from America just so that we bring more ‘Sisonke’ televisoning. How can we aim to bring televisoning from other nations as if we are not a sovereign nation? This is nothing but the machinations of detractors from the west whose televison programs I will reduce to being those watched by those sons of the soil who suffer from insomnia in the middle of the night and should be working hard on our land. Zimbabwean television can never be a luxury or a force matter and I admit that the MP who took us to the courts had a point. No one should be forced to watch what they do not want. It is similar to saying why should people pay so little medical aid yet expect high end services? As such, we shall only broadcast national events as galas nd forget cricket and national soccer, after all, the whites are holding on to the sport with that other young man even refusing to step down as the captain of the English cricket team! Hakuna munhu akadaro! As for soccer, just look at this recent tournament, it is absolutely valueless and yet the national team has made it to the finals. How can we prioritise their matches when they make efforts only for valueless games? Not on my watch.

I have submitted a detailed report and spread sheet of how I shall be turning around the parastatals. NRZ will provide national service across the country once more. There will be services of locations within cities! This will be done once we have managed to persuade our Chinese counterparts to invest in our country. In fact, I am proposing that the Chinese bring their children to this country and make them work for our people as they do in their countries. We will make sure that all insurance will be paid out thru my secretary to minimize outsourcing costs. We shall be better and to start off with, I am asking for a meagre salary of $90 000 minus perks and bonus. I already know that your boards would more than double my bonus and salary by year end.

Looking forward to accepting your invitations to be your boards’ chair

 

Ms HappySon  City Council Air Mazarura Dube

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