Archives

Thru depression into gratitude: my journey

​(This entry was written a few days ago but due to certain challenges beyond my control, I could only post it late)

Fighting depression is difficult. Many a time you look to ppl who you love n who love you back to reach out to but they are not available. The devastation can be lethal n it often is. Depression isn’t really timed to come up when it is convenient. It just hits you and one minute you were this happy person looking forward to doing the next thing n the very next second you’re this weepy, teary person who can’t find anything worth holding on to. 

It is a mental battle, whose gravity I’m beginning to appreciate. Sometimes there are triggers so if you are aware of them, you steer clear but often times, it’s subconscious…. your mind is battling issues, blowing them out of proportion or telling you that you can’t resolve whatever issues, or convincing you that you are indeed alone, unwanted, unloved, worthless etc. You might have the most supportive of family/ friends/ partner/ colleagues but all those pale into the shadows of this strong mental battle that rages silently in your head. We live in this world where we got lots of struggles and are pressure to deliver, to keep time, to meet deadlines etc, and we often push these ahead of people. We often forget that we’re in this hustle for others (be it to provide certain things- a financially stable life for family; products and services for bosses; salaries for employees; clean and safe home for family; gifts for friends etc). In our bid to meet these targets n deadlines, we push away n ignore the very ppl we are doing this for.

I was moved to write this after reading Max Soutter ‘s Facebook post (When you’re late for a meeting and your son is finishing his “I love you, dad, drawing for you n it’s important to him that he gives it to you) Many a time, we’re caught in these scenarios- two equally important things need our attention. One of these things is important to you (the meeting, in this case) and the other is important to someone else (the drawing, in this case.) When was the last time you made someone who’s important to you KNOW and FEEL that they are important to you? When did you last pay attention to those who are important to you? Do you even know who is important to you? How do you show/ tell them?

It is often difficult for someone to reach out and tell you that they wd want your attention. Trust me, the feeling of guilt is huge. They already know that you have many demands on your time and attention as it is. Picture this- you have a deadline that’s already running late and you’re working from home. You’ve got kids and your spouse who also require your attention. You also have family n friends who know that you’ve clocked off n therefore assume that it is time to catch up etc. This deadline is a  make or break for the company/organisation and must be met. (I’m already feeling pressured by this scenario I’m creating as it is) Now, if your partner or relative wd want just a few minutes to offload/vent or to sound out something/seek your confirmation on something, they already know how under pressure they are (or they might not) 

How you handle their reaching out to you for your attention becomes critical. Most of us tend to speak from a position of pressure- irritated/angry. The tone and/ choice of words often speaks more to your spouse than what you’re actually saying. Of course, they shd know better than to try n reach out to you than when you’re under such pressure. BUT that doesn’t make snapping or ignoring them the right way of handling the situation. Maybe they have been struggling for weeks now to tell you that they are being retrenched and today was the day they finally gathered the courage to tell you because tomorrow you’d hv gone on to make that booking to some holiday that you’ll no longer be able to afford. Maybe today was the day they wanted to tell you that they have been struggling to tell you that they were diagnosed with some terminal illness three months back n time is running out on their life. Maybe today wd be the day they finally gathered the courage to tell you that your parent/sibling has been keeping away from you some devastating news. Maybe just maybe today wd be the day they WD open up about how they think that they are useless/worthless/problematic and it’s better off they die.

I don’t know what today cd mean for them or for you. But for me, as finally the words n encouragement I’ve been receiving from my dear friend n family behind to sink in, today means I take stock of what’s important in my life. I take stock of who’s important to me. I am important to me. I need me at my best before i can be of any hello to anyone else. Only when I’m in a better mental space can i make sure that I can love my family and friends and reach out to them, listen to them when they want my time and attention. After today, I can reaffirm them of my love for them. I am deliberately setting aside time to focus on PPL because I realise that it is ppl who have helped me stay sane,  who have held my hand when i had given up, who carried me when i didn’t see the need to walk on, who listened when I was overwhelmed by stress, grief and pain, it is ppl who validated me when I felt worthless, unloved and unwanted. It is ppl who have reminded me that being loved isn’t only about the feel good time but it is about the willingness to get into the mud of despair, hurt, pain, grief etc and do what it takes to bring me out. It is ppl who have prayed for me, shared scripture with me, encouraged me with songs, words and offered their ears n shoulders. 

It is a difficult getting out of bed on some days. It has been difficult to eat even. It had been much easier to sleep and cry and complain n feel rejected, unwanted and unloved. It has been much easier to listen to the voice in my head telling me that I’m worthless. It has been much easier to pretend to hear what my friends n family have been saying about loving me, appreciating me, than it has to silence n drown that voice that speaks of darkness n worthlessness. 

I am a fighter and have this sunny disposition but there are demons I battle every once in a while. They are dark and powerful and I don’t take them for granted cz they can easily overpower me. I’m learning to reach out to friends n family when they come but it’s not easy. (I don’t want to hear the  disappointmentt n shock at how someone like me can be so despairing of life. I don’t want to hear the  judgement in those holy ones who see me as being blasphemous when I question my faith or God. I don’t want to take precious time away from my family n friends cz they have more than enough on their plate already- I don’t wanna be selfish. I fear that what I’m falling to cope with is going to be trivialised and ridiculed….. the reasons are many) 

Today, I am grateful for my very life. It might not be where I want it to be but its definitely not that bad. I might not be the person I thought I’d be by now, but I’ve surely come from far from where I started. I might not have what I wanted to have had by now but I surely have learnt a lot of lessons, achieved more than I can count or be grateful for, I have a whole lot more storms I’ve survived, there are more scars that show me that I’ve overcome that I’m stronger today than I was yesterday. I can accept this self comfort knowing that the clouds are blowing away and tomorrow I look forward to smiling for a longer time and crying for a lesser time. I might even dance but above all, I’m actually looking forward to a tomorrow! 

(The album Open Heaven by Hillsong is on repeat and has helped me to smile. Kari Jobe’s Holy Spirit helped me to recenter myself when the tears would not stop. Somehow, my friends, family n prayer circle have kept watering my faith thru this difficult time. I’m grateful)

Battles between grammar and creation

I’m seated on my bed (do I say that I’m seated IN my bed?) a day after my 14th 20th birthday 😉 and I’m thinking… Why did God create full grown adults? I mean,  He could have created babies and seen them grow and all that but (or do I say ‘hey’?) The Almighty One chose Adam and Eve to be full grown adults.  At least that’s the impression most of us have. He could also have just created old people.

As I retire to bed: what’s a woman`s worth?

What is today`s black woman about? Been horrified by what I see to be increasingly ‘popular’ posts of fellow black African, Zimbabwean even, sisters who seem to be going out of their way to post pics of their derriers and milk jugs. When the ‘inevitable’ (dare I say, anticipated and desired) comment comes thru about how ‘well put/rounded/yummy) etc the sister is from some hungry, lewd man comes, she goes on to accept such comments as some sort of compliment!?

Is it me or are some women actively bringing down the bar of what a ‘hot’ woman is? Surely, I can’t be finding validation in some comment by a random stranger that he finds me sexy or that my behind illicits some untypeable urges within him!

What’s going on? Guys, why prowl social media seeking out these women and worse still, commenting and giving some sort of validation of their worth based on how big, round and goodness knows what else their outer bits are?

Women, why are we reducing ourselves to being sorry, cheap, sex objects? Surely our minds are more desirable and exciting than our body bits that soon sag and can be put to shame by one good plastic surgeon? Look at Nikki Minaj. Someone is already out there tryin to outdo her measurements! SMH, chaiyo.

As I retire to bed: the ghost of Christmas past

Ok, a few more hours before we unwrap presents! I’m excited again. My daughter stuck Christmas cards on all our doors save the main one a few days back. It looks really amazing. It’s lovely to have kids around the house, they find that hidden and choked up Christmas spirit and bring it to life somehow. Talking of choking, the ghost of Christmas past visited me earlier tonight.

I came across a letter on one of my friends` Facebook walls and it took me back to years ago when I was a whole lot younger. I must have been in grade 4/5/6. By this time I’d kinda stopped believing in a real, special Santa- you know, the one who has reindeer and navigates the sky, Santa? Yep, I think I’d come to know that some person played at being Santa and that was just about it.

Anyway, I had come across my cousin`s letter that she had received from Santa! I was GREEN! Like so green I made the pine tree forest look like a desert typa green! Anyway, I took it upon myself to get Santa`s address and write him a letter myself.

I don’t even recall what I even wrote in that letter. Call it writing from a point of disbelief or whatever but I just recall that I must have written something  to Santa Claus. I don’t even recall if I stuck some postage stamps or not but somehow that letter went out. Did I even post it, who knows but it must have gone!

I’m sure you can tell that I don’t recall much except what happened next- which I haven’t yet shared. Well, however long it was, I don’t recall but time passed and I forgot that I’d written Santa a letter! However, one day- definitely out of the blue, I had a letter! Oh yes, I remember the excitement! I was even home when it came! [I was a boarder back in primary school by then] Anyway, I don’t recall who brought me that letter but they were so excited!

It was different! It had colours and looked so different to the airmail we were used to receiving back in the day. You recall the blue and red chevron patterns round its sides? With the little bird like aeroplane thingy? You do if you’re about my age and older! Funny thing though is that it dint have a stamp- at least I don’t recall it. But I’m sure I’d recall it if there was one cause I loved collecting stamps!

Anyway, I couldn’t read the stamp nor the date. Remember how we’d rush to read the stamps to try and see from where the letter came from? Oh well, it was stamped with wavy lines. I am no longer sure if there was an address behind the envelope. Do you recall those Scripture Union, Bible Society and the 700 Club letters that had addresses written behind the envelope? Oh, such memories!

Anyway, here I was, a preteen holding an exciting lookin letter and unable to tell who sent it. I smelt that letter and I swear it smelt like vanilla cookies- however they smelt. I’d never had any. Ok, I dint know that cookies are biscuits so, in all fairness, I had NO idea how cookies smelt or tasted but I could smell them off this letter! Such was the power of Noozles, Tin Tin, Huckleberry Finn, Flying House and Delphy and friends! They made it so that we all knew all this stuff! Lol!

So, back to my letter, as you can tell, I was in no hurry to open it! I was savoring the opening. There was a certain tension, an anticipation akin to a feeling of power that came with waiting until everyone almost beat you up so you could read your letter! Funny how I recall these smaller details. Anyway, so I ran indoors and went muspeya – the spare bedroom, a term I only linked and connected when I was in Uni! Lol! Anyway, I recall going behind the door for maximum privacy and the ultimate spite to everyone wanting to have the first read with me!

Upon opening, you won’t believe what I ran to read first! The address of sender! Yes, I was still curious to find out who had sent me the letter. In disbelief, I ran to read the recipient, just to be sure! And yes, it was my letter alright! All the way from Kovatunturi (excuse the spelling but that’s how it sounds in my head right now!) Was that from Iceland, Greenland or what? I don’t recall but all I recall is that it was MY letter and SANTA had written it to me!

I don’t recall much about what happened next or what the letter said. All I cared about was that Santa was real, wait a minute, he was preparing Christmas presents with the help of his elves! Yes, and mama Claus loved milk! It’s coming to me now- well some of it.

Ok, I’ve forgotten again. But that letter smelt like milk and cookies. Santa was going to send me presents, if I wrote back with my list! I must have not written the next letter because I dint receive anything from Santa. I remember that my dad brought me this really huge doll, a panda, black and white and I had it til upper 6! I guess Santa told my dad to get me that doll. What else can I say? That Santa doesn’t exist when he wrote me a letter? How can I? It even smelt of cookies! Perhaps I was too old for him to come sliding down our chimney. Maybe, Santa knew that it rained on Christmas eve in Zimbabwe back in the days and the reindeer couldn’t handle the weather? But I suspect that Santa knew that we dint have a fireplace and he couldn’t come and place my present by the outside fire area! Someone could have stolen it! Oh, dear Santa, so thoughtful! The reindeer could have caused quite a sight to someone busy going round the ghetto on Christmas eve! People dint quite go to bed on Christmas eve, same thing with December 30th and 31st. Santa must have known this, after all he is Santa.

Anyway, tonight as I wait for the clock to strike twelve so that my daughter and I can open her presents, I’m wondering, how does present day Santa get Christmas requests? Is he on Whatsapp, MixIt, Twitter, Facebook, PinInterest, what? Should I get my kids to write him a letter? Would they appreciate that- stamps, post office, envelopes etc, will it all make sense to them?

Oh well, maybe I will write him again and ask him.
Anyway, merry Christmas Erbody.

As I retire to bed: And it’s confirmed that I’m very very very old!

So this entry was written last night but due to technical gliches it would not upload. I am tempted to edit it but i’ll refrain.

Today started on a not so good note. I had to yell at someone whom I would rather be at peace with. Anyway, it all turned out for the good because what I wanted happened. Lesson- (at times) You gotta yell at people to get what you want to happen. My day was fairly normal with one thing to note though- there a significant number of the male population who were tryin to hit on me! Lol, now THAT was hilarious. I find it amusing coz I’m not one to want to begin a relationship from social media (anymore. I’ve tried it and it’s creeped me out so, I’ve learnt my lessons.)

So, finally my little angel comes thru and I couldn’t be happier. I’m amazed at how tall she’s growing. She’ll definitely be taller than me! Anyway, I have no idea how the conversation turned to my age. I asks her how old she thinks I am. She begins with 21! Now hold on a minute. She’s just a little ten year old girl and already, 21 is old in her books. It definitely is not the same meaning as when I meet an adult and they guess my age at 21. Masamba asiyana! Anyway, I shake my head and she continues- 22? 23? 24? I stop her, telling her that she’s now counting and no longer guessing. We laugh and eventually she looks at me hoping against hope that I’m at most twenty five.

But alas my lord.

She continues with some horrified disbelief until she gets to a shocked “30!!?”

She pauses but still in one breath quipped, “Ah, saka you’re very very very old” and with that reaches into my plate for some meat.

Really???!  Did she just call me very very very old? I’m horrified for a bit before it hits me- I, too once thought 25 was ancient, never mind being 30! I immediately burst out laughing to which she joins in. I have no idea if she knew why I was laughing though but I couldn’t resist planting a kiss on her sweet head!

As I write this, she’s busy writing her brother and I a Christmas card on my laptop! How precious does a daughter have to be?

Need I add that she’s got a better understanding and navigation skills of it than I do? I think she’s gonna teach me several things about my own laptop! By the way, passwords don’t work with her- she sees you punching it in once and she has got it! Lol.

Merry Christmas y’all. We’ve already started writing out the cards- from my laptop though.

As I retire to bed: Dwelling on the positives

Does it ever happen to you that you find yourself overwhelmed by anger, hurt, disappointment and such negative emotions and feelings and no matter how hard you try, you find yourself meditating upon them? Well, I find myself nearly there- near the meditation part. So, something happened that made me super angry! I mean, really really angry I-can’t-even-believe-I’m-angry-like-that kinda angry. Yet, I choose to dwell on the positives. I’m greatly inspired by this great king who faced some of life`s hardest challenges- growing up her was sidelined by his brothers. Having ascended to the throne his own son sought his very life! I won’t even talk about all the other kings who waged war against him! His own wife turned her nose up at him at one point! But thru all his troubles, he dint meditate on all that was staked against him. He chose rather to meditate on that which gave him hope that “This too shall pass”, the Work of The Lord Jehovah! I’m talking about King David of The bible (refer to psalms 143.3-6) I choose to do the same tonight- In no particular order

Positive one- I won an online competition on Hezvo www.facebook.com/pages/Hezvo ! (check out and support this Facebook page by liking, sharing and submitting content- instructions are on it.) I won! Oh I’m so so excited!!

Positive two- I got $100 prize money! Yep, it’s still about that win but allow me to break it down.-
I wouldn’t have won had it not been for my family and friends who voted for me! Yep, I dint resort to Nikuv to win but my friends supported me and now I have this money! Yes, the money-
Last Saturday it was my daughter`s birthday…do the math!

Positive three- I had a conversation with someone whom I’d long wanted to meet up with and ‘clear one or two issues’! turns out she’s the nicest human beings I’ve met in a while. I found yet another sister! whoohoo. Those who know me, know that I’m big on relationships esp female ones- I love me some sisters! It’s as if I’m on some mission to make every woman my sister! Lol. So I’m glad I have one more sister

Positive four- I’m alive and in good health! I watched a video online earlier of a young lady who passed away coz of a rare type of cancer. So young!

Positive five- I’ve managed to make yet another positive entry when I could have made one wherein I was fuming. (That one is coming though, just not on my AIR To Bed Diaries- lol, that’s something funny and positive again!) I’ve managed to stick to the mission tonight despite almost faltering the Last two nights. I’m also particularly glad about this entry because it’s showing my consistency! I wanna blog at least once a day- on something positive!

Positive six-I honestly feel that I’ve managed to communicate to someone how genuinely I care for them and want them in my life, and around me. Hold your horses, it’s not a guy but a sister. Lol. I’m celebrating that because so many times I have doubted if certain people KNOW that I genuinely care about them. Maybe I can begin by picking out one person each week or so and make them know that I genuinely care about them. Oh yes, my family has also just been invited for a Christmas lunch by someone I admire greatly! So no stressing over Christmas activities on that front! Lol.

Positive seven- (this is the Last one I’ll write coz seven is the number of completion/perfection in Christianity)- I’m glad that I have a place to lay my head on, with warm blankets. I’m glad that I’m blessed enough to have what many people I know and interact with wish they could- supportive friends, supportive family, a job I love and enjoy and look forward to waking up to each day. I’m blessed in that I get to see my own small ways I can bring change and relief to those in less fortunate spaces than mine. I’m no Melinda Gates nor Mother Theresa but I know that in my own little way, I can positively influence the lives of others around me- at times it’s as simple as listening to someone air out their frustrations or as simple as foregoing an outing with close friends and spending time with someone who has no friend/big sister.

As I retire to bed tonight, I am so aware that the bed I lie on, is not even someone`s dream because they are wondering just what it is to wear a full dress. The blankie I lie on is not even what someone wishes they had because their dream is to have someone to talk to. I retire to bed knowing full well that I’m one of the few people who can blog- most young women I’ve come to know want just a writing exercise book, a pencil at least and a school to go to so they can learn!