Tag Archive | feminism

The ideal woman

So a joke was shared in one of these group in which I find myself and it went something like this:

“Your boyfriend shows up at your place and you are down to your last dollar which you were going to use to buy relish to cook sadza with. You then opt to buy him a soft drink and some biscuits and you then pour some water into a bottle of sprite and drink this. Halfway down his bottle, he asks that you swop because he loves Sprite. What do you do?” I will not share some of the answers that were shared in that group but it’s suffice to say that they resulted in me taking this issue to a broader audience: my blog.

This may be funny, or even the responses but I see a lot of sadness. I see a lot of pretense that a lot of women are engaging in and it just breaks my heart. I heard of how young women would be willing to deceive the guy just so he does not realise that she is facing hard times. Some of the responses were so violent that had it not been social media and had been a social event,  I am almost sure that a physical fight or at least a screaming match of some sort would have erupted. It is sad. I mean, why go to all the lengths to hide from  boyfriend that things are not well? What is the matter if he was to eat sadza with just vegetables on the day? Why not even ask him to help you sort out supper? I mean, I would ask that of my dude if he came and I was in that situation. I mean, we would (and do) have an honest relationship that has that kind of honesty, maybe that is why I make that declaration.

this t an ideal woman looks like...legs, boobs n ass. KKKK (smithfamilycolorado.com)

this t an ideal woman looks like…legs, boobs n ass. KKKK (smithfamilycolorado.com)

 

If a woman/ girl goes out her way to hide this and put up such a front, I wonder what else she is hiding. Anyway, the discussion soon turned to issues that touch my heart…women and their self-identity. It got me thinking just how women are under pressure to present this “ideal woman” whom none of us actually knows what she is like or how she even looks like. No wonder people be bleaching their skins rotten, because to them, the ideal woman is a “yellow bone”. No wonder some women are battling bulimia and anorexia because they want to look “sexy”…I am not yet convinced that “sexy” is a dress size. No wonder some are insecure and go snooping into phones trying to find out just who their man is chatting with. No wonder some women, scratch that, no wonder I, ME, used to ask my then boyfriend WHY he was with me! Sad. The truth is that I (and many other women) did not think that we were (are) good enough for this man who I was with (some still think that they are not good enough.) I know one too many women who are trying so hard to be superwoman…being super mom, super wife, super daughter in law, super employee…and I  wonder ho wit is all supposed to balance out…Seems every other woman I know is or has battled trying to aim to be this woman, this paragon of virtue, the virtuous woman aka the Proverbs 31 woman. Lord help us, she has to be the innocent, the virgin yet also be the sex goddess whose sexual prowess puts  a sex worker to shame…how she is supposed to be able to be this, I have no idea…but the pressure is still there.

 

she shall be called WOMAN and not anything else that is descriptive (gopixpic.com)

she shall be called WOMAN and not anything else that is descriptive (gopixpic.com)

 

I really think that my mind is insane to question the demons that hound my fellows but it does. I am not even apologetic because I finally discovered what and who this ideal woman is…move over Angelina and your full lips, move over all you Indian women with your long and silky hair, move over your Swedes with your unending limbs….models, move the bloody hell over with your size zero bodies..I have finally found her.

 

Yes! After many dismal failures, I have found her!  (sparkpeople.com)

Yes! After many dismal failures, I have found her!
(sparkpeople.com)

 

The ideal woman is the one staring back in the mirror when I look into it. She is that woman who stares back in the mirror when the next lady steps in front of the mirror, too. Yes, the ideal woman is YOU! Your personality is what is ideal. Your body, your race, your hair, your attitude to life is what raises this woman to shine gloriously when you do YOU!

yes, this very short me is the ideal woman that is me!

yes, this very short me is the ideal woman who is me!

I take my bra off (and it is not a big size, mind you. lol) to every ideal woman staring back in the mirror.

 

I seriously take off my bra to you  (buzzfeed)

I seriously take off my bra to you
(buzzfeed)

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Of Advice: Is this REALLY what we tell each other?

In a society where we face problems and tricky situations, advice columns have become a popular way to seek help. The power of tetes (aunts) is dwindling and fast dying out. I recently came across a link to a story that disturbed me so much. I initially ignored it until I decided to read the story and to say that I was horrified, is an understatement. I was not horrified AT the advice given, no, somehow that is ”the normal” kind of advice you hear being shared among women…at least ‘publicly’   anyway. I was horrified by WHO gave the advice! I mean, we live in a society in which any wrong that could go wrong can pretty much be explained away to be the responsibility of the woman. Let me use the issue I address in the video…adultery, or should I say the more appropriate name? CHEATING/ INFIDELITY. A quick look at the comments posted by readers on this article prove my point:

(from zimdaily) Mai Chisamba who runs an Agony Aunt column in a national newspaper

(from zimdaily)
Mai Chisamba who runs an Agony Aunt column in a national newspaper

the husband probably saw Sisi doing a good job of looking after him…

Jacob in response to Mother Teresa …Make it a rule that the maid does not enter the main bedroom , the wife shud make sure it’s cleaned by her and not the maid . When u leave for work lock it . Make sure u prepare food for ur husband and u bring it to him . Underwear shud not be washed by the maid…

paonei….Please ladies serve your husbands whenever possible…

….Do not antagonize your husband but continue loving him you will see what happens

….. Am a man and out of the thousands of men that I know, 99% have at one point cheated but their marriges are still intact and happy although they have not been caught by their wives. Men cant just stop cheating but they dont have to be caught mai Chisamba probably knows this and in most cases there is no justifiable reason for the cheating

This is a sad and pathetic situation where we do not want to uphold men to the same standards to which women are held. How do we create really happy homes where both parties are responsible for the functioning of a union? A situation where both men and women are held accountable for their actions and are held liable for deviating from an agreed upon path.

someone listen to this man...this is the truth (image from quotessays.com)

someone listen to this man…this is the truth
(image from quotessays.com)

My bone of contention lies with advice dishers who turn a blind eye at the obvious wrong committed by a party. In this case, Mai Chisamba does not acknowledge that this husband CHOSE to have sex with the maid. I mean, it was not like he suddenly had a d&*ck stand and the maid was naked, legs wide open on the floor or bed or wherever it was, and the dude slipped and immediately ejaculated into this ‘adulterous’ woman. No!! The husband chose to deceive his wife, lie that he was “going to have drinks with friends” meanwhile he would drive a little distance and do a double back and sneak into the cottage of this woman and have “the drinks of lust” with her. I want to question the state of mind of this man just so we help each other see the levels of deception this man went to in order to have fun with another woman.

(from quotes-lover.com) and most men cheat because they know that they will not be held accountable

(from quotes-lover.com)
and most men cheat because they know that they will not be held accountable

1. It takes planning to think up an activity that the wife would accept…enter drinks with friends

2. It takes planning to drive out of the house, get into the car and drive off a little distance, park the car and walk back to his house BUT use a side entrance into the house help’s cottage

3. It takes numbing one’s mind to carry a raging (or even a weak) erection for another woman whilst in the yard of one’s house. (I do not know if he had raging ones or he had weak ones, but both are possibilities)

4. It takes numbing of one’s mind to have sex (I’m imagining this other woman faking the pleasure by making sexual moans and groans to massage the man’s ego…before you shoot me down, it has been proven that most women exaggerate the moans in order to massage the man’s ego. Thanks to porn movies for raising the “pleasure” bar for us. LOL)

(from facebook.com) she gonn abe screaming and moaning all this and he forgets that he has a wife just a few meters away? Oh pu-liz!

(from facebook.com)
she gonn abe screaming and moaning all this and he forgets that he has a wife just a few meters away? Oh pu-liz!

5. Before we even get t the moans and the calling out of this man’s totem in “pleasure” (imagine that she is panting ‘iii, Chirandu kani, maihwee Moyo…) someone tell me that at NO POINT did this guy even THINK of his wife as he entered the cottage, as he checked quickly to make sure that his wife had not somehow visited the maid as soon as he had driven off, as he saw his fellow partaker of the forbidden pleasures, as he undressed her, as she ‘screamed’ out his name in ‘pleasure’ and as he probably covered her mouth with his hand to cut off the sounds, they could even have played music or something to muffle the sounds…who knows..they could also have done it in total silence, maybe ZESA was not there on several occasions…who knows…in all this

(from .newgrounds.com) this man had to sneak back into the cottage, right?

(from .newgrounds.com)
this man had to sneak back into the cottage, right?

Someone tell me that his lust was so much that he could not think and became a zombie..but how did he walk out of the house (probably hiding his erection from the wife) and drive and then…end up home again claiming that the guys were well? (If at all the wife asked him?) Tell me that this man was just so blinded by this seductive siren, who happens to be a maid, that he could not even think of his wife? Ah no ways, this woman (the Mrs) ought to deal with the real issue here, her husband. If she takes this other woman to court, as advised, to sue for adultery..what if, upon getting to court, this Mrs discovers that her husband had actually married this other woman? Anything can happen with this kind of deceptive man. If this woman, is already suicidal because she discovered the pregnancy, what will she be IF it tuns out that the woman she thought was her maid in in fact, her co-wife? hmmm!

I do not think that this woman should have been advised to deal with the next woman. Evidently,her own husband (as personal as it can get there…) decided to ignore whatever vows he made to his wife, before God and men when he indulged in this affair. He is not a helpless child at all in this matter. This woman needs to address the issue, with her husband. The problem is with him. All along, she wrote, she “had been happily married” so she was living in some bliss that was probably cloaked in denial. The signs were there and she chose to ignore them. That is a sad reality. What does a marriage retreat help in this case? There is a baby on the way and its mother is a woman this wife does not consider worthy of opening her legs to her husband…a maid..she keeps calling her. I find that this is something that this Mrs will not get over easily, so, best thing, she should not be made to feel bad should she consider leaving. This could be an issue that she might keep bringing up in future arguments..damaging any ‘progress’ they might have made as a couple. Let us be real and admit that being cheated on is damaging to one’s ego and self esteem. It is even made worse when the woman/ person who was a part of it is someone we deem to be ‘beneath us’

The advise given rests on too many assumptions: that this Mrs will want to stay with this man. 2. that the husband wants to go to court and try and prove paternity to a child he probably knows is his. 3. it is assumed that this Mrs is in a rational state of mind to even contemplate that she is being selfish…maybe it is time that someone advised her to be selfish…she could have been so selfless all along and maybe , just maybe, she needs to think about herself. Oh well, if we are going to quote the Bible, can we at least use it to help someone get to a better space and not use it to confine them in an unfair situation and position? This is one of the reasons why people then say that religion is used to oppress women.

I’m just saying….

who knows gif

As I retire to bed: Dwelling on the positives

Does it ever happen to you that you find yourself overwhelmed by anger, hurt, disappointment and such negative emotions and feelings and no matter how hard you try, you find yourself meditating upon them? Well, I find myself nearly there- near the meditation part. So, something happened that made me super angry! I mean, really really angry I-can’t-even-believe-I’m-angry-like-that kinda angry. Yet, I choose to dwell on the positives. I’m greatly inspired by this great king who faced some of life`s hardest challenges- growing up her was sidelined by his brothers. Having ascended to the throne his own son sought his very life! I won’t even talk about all the other kings who waged war against him! His own wife turned her nose up at him at one point! But thru all his troubles, he dint meditate on all that was staked against him. He chose rather to meditate on that which gave him hope that “This too shall pass”, the Work of The Lord Jehovah! I’m talking about King David of The bible (refer to psalms 143.3-6) I choose to do the same tonight- In no particular order

Positive one- I won an online competition on Hezvo www.facebook.com/pages/Hezvo ! (check out and support this Facebook page by liking, sharing and submitting content- instructions are on it.) I won! Oh I’m so so excited!!

Positive two- I got $100 prize money! Yep, it’s still about that win but allow me to break it down.-
I wouldn’t have won had it not been for my family and friends who voted for me! Yep, I dint resort to Nikuv to win but my friends supported me and now I have this money! Yes, the money-
Last Saturday it was my daughter`s birthday…do the math!

Positive three- I had a conversation with someone whom I’d long wanted to meet up with and ‘clear one or two issues’! turns out she’s the nicest human beings I’ve met in a while. I found yet another sister! whoohoo. Those who know me, know that I’m big on relationships esp female ones- I love me some sisters! It’s as if I’m on some mission to make every woman my sister! Lol. So I’m glad I have one more sister

Positive four- I’m alive and in good health! I watched a video online earlier of a young lady who passed away coz of a rare type of cancer. So young!

Positive five- I’ve managed to make yet another positive entry when I could have made one wherein I was fuming. (That one is coming though, just not on my AIR To Bed Diaries- lol, that’s something funny and positive again!) I’ve managed to stick to the mission tonight despite almost faltering the Last two nights. I’m also particularly glad about this entry because it’s showing my consistency! I wanna blog at least once a day- on something positive!

Positive six-I honestly feel that I’ve managed to communicate to someone how genuinely I care for them and want them in my life, and around me. Hold your horses, it’s not a guy but a sister. Lol. I’m celebrating that because so many times I have doubted if certain people KNOW that I genuinely care about them. Maybe I can begin by picking out one person each week or so and make them know that I genuinely care about them. Oh yes, my family has also just been invited for a Christmas lunch by someone I admire greatly! So no stressing over Christmas activities on that front! Lol.

Positive seven- (this is the Last one I’ll write coz seven is the number of completion/perfection in Christianity)- I’m glad that I have a place to lay my head on, with warm blankets. I’m glad that I’m blessed enough to have what many people I know and interact with wish they could- supportive friends, supportive family, a job I love and enjoy and look forward to waking up to each day. I’m blessed in that I get to see my own small ways I can bring change and relief to those in less fortunate spaces than mine. I’m no Melinda Gates nor Mother Theresa but I know that in my own little way, I can positively influence the lives of others around me- at times it’s as simple as listening to someone air out their frustrations or as simple as foregoing an outing with close friends and spending time with someone who has no friend/big sister.

As I retire to bed tonight, I am so aware that the bed I lie on, is not even someone`s dream because they are wondering just what it is to wear a full dress. The blankie I lie on is not even what someone wishes they had because their dream is to have someone to talk to. I retire to bed knowing full well that I’m one of the few people who can blog- most young women I’ve come to know want just a writing exercise book, a pencil at least and a school to go to so they can learn!

#Desired men

In life, it always does well to salute people who challenge the status quo. People whose very stances are a a threat to the livelihood of patriarchy. I have met and interacted with some of these men but I have also heard of all of them. I salute each and every one of them. They have stood up against violence against women and children and have challenged their fellow men to do the same. It is with great hope that I move forward, the tears will come, the frustrations will rise but i am more confident that they are but for a generation. There is hope that the #Desired Men are in society. All across the world, hats off to you….for the influence you wield, an influence that you are using positively to change this world. I shall share some quotes that come from these men that have served to give me hope in my heart

 

“I was not raised to be a whole man. We teach boys not be women. Sports is at the center of that. I embody and benefit from that towards other men. My masculinity defined as an athlete, was just a very very small piece of me. I teach men about the wholeness of masculinity: it is being caring, passive, supporting, vulnerable, etc. What I do is human. Its about my wholeness as a person.”

Violence against women will not end until men take a proactive role. Calling it a ‘women’s’ issue allows men to ignore it. The reality is, it’s our issue. I promise to work to show how sexism and violence hurt all of us — and to inspire men to step up and make change.    Don McPherson, former NFL quarterback

 

“I don’t tolerate in music even the insinuation of violence against women. In my position.”  Michael Bolton, multi-Grammy winning singer/songwriter (I wonder how that Sean Timba/ Bata munhu guy will think of this one…he better think real hard)
 
 
“Violence committed against 50% of the population affects 100% of the population.  Dean Peacock, Co-Director, Sonke Gender Justice South Africa
 
 
 “Part of male privilege is that, as men, we expect people to listen to what we have to say, and that’s no surprise—we’re socialized to take men’s voices seriously, to hear authority in them. And as much of a problem as that is, I can’t help but consider a few possibilities. An obvious start is for fathers to talk to their sons about consent, but there’s more.” Trevor Davies African, Fathers’ Initiative (This is one man who has rang the bell loud and clear and long, that men need to be an integral part of the revolution. I respect his tenacity. He runs AFI out of his own pocket!! Totally awed by what a humble giant the is.)

 

They say you have been given love portion, Mupfuhwira, Stay Soft, zwana mina, Sissy, Wussy, ukudliswa, …. But Still We rebel against Partriachy…. Leo Wamwanduka, self defined feminist/ pro-feminist (I am real proud of the work this man does, he is tireless and is so committed to stand against patriarchy.)

 

l am shamed to be a man,, when – cases like this are happening (reference to the case where four men were sentenced to community service for taking turns to rape a 13 year old girl in Zimbabwe’s Mvuma)…

“Engaging men in care brings them face to face with the realities of HIV and Aids and the need for change.”

“Interventions should challenge the attitudes, values and behaviours’ of men that compromise their own health and safety as well as the health and safety of women and children and having men actively involved in HIV and Aids related programmes.” Kelvin Hazangwi, he has worked extensively with Padare/Enkundleni/ Men’s Forum. (He is one man whose commitment to the eradication of all forms of violence I am in awe of. He not only talks the talk but he walks the walk.)

 

“I am already seeing a worrying trend; that ‘women’s movement’ should be composed of women. We might disagree on a few small issues regarding methodology, but there are a lot of us men who are part of the women’s movement, in our individual capacities and as part of institutions. Anyone who believes in the fair treatment of women is part of the women’s movement.”  Mgcini Nyoni, Poet, Playwright, Theatre Director, Thinker, Blogger, A ruffler of political feathers This is one brother with whom I do not always agree but he has shown that he is committed to the women’s movement’s cause. He speak his mind unapologetically and often questions what ought not to be questioned LOL

 

“I learnt one other thing in their discussion, it’s easier for me to explain gender justice if I start by mapping other forms of injustice that are commonly shared by both men and women. I have discovered in my discussion with men that we agree all the way on land misappropriation and alienation, slavery,colocialism,racism, tribalism, minority rule, nepotism, home-boyism and other ‘-isms’ and that we need to challenge such systems. But we seem to disagree when it comes to the oppression of women. I have realised that when we talk of gender justice we need not separate it from other forms of injustices and that when we achieve independence it has to be for all including women and girls. Separating it would be risky as it might end up being marginalised. Its easier to locate the struggle for gender justice as a vital component of the struggle for justice in general.”

” [I]f you don’t do something to help other men to end violence against women you are, technically speaking, an accomplice.” Nixon Nembaware,

 

I will admit that there are a lot of men who are doing good out there but these ones have touched something in my heart and it has resonated enough to get me to write a salutation. 

To all the men who value women, to all the men who have chosen and committed to ringing the bell/ sounding the alarm, to all the men who have are engaging themselves and their fellow men, to the men who believe in teaching a boy to respect women, who believe that it is never too late to unlearn violence against women and children…to the mighty men who chose the better way…

 

I salute you and thank you. May God bless each one of you.