Tag Archive | Health

The ideal woman

So a joke was shared in one of these group in which I find myself and it went something like this:

“Your boyfriend shows up at your place and you are down to your last dollar which you were going to use to buy relish to cook sadza with. You then opt to buy him a soft drink and some biscuits and you then pour some water into a bottle of sprite and drink this. Halfway down his bottle, he asks that you swop because he loves Sprite. What do you do?” I will not share some of the answers that were shared in that group but it’s suffice to say that they resulted in me taking this issue to a broader audience: my blog.

This may be funny, or even the responses but I see a lot of sadness. I see a lot of pretense that a lot of women are engaging in and it just breaks my heart. I heard of how young women would be willing to deceive the guy just so he does not realise that she is facing hard times. Some of the responses were so violent that had it not been social media and had been a social event,  I am almost sure that a physical fight or at least a screaming match of some sort would have erupted. It is sad. I mean, why go to all the lengths to hide from  boyfriend that things are not well? What is the matter if he was to eat sadza with just vegetables on the day? Why not even ask him to help you sort out supper? I mean, I would ask that of my dude if he came and I was in that situation. I mean, we would (and do) have an honest relationship that has that kind of honesty, maybe that is why I make that declaration.

this t an ideal woman looks like...legs, boobs n ass. KKKK (smithfamilycolorado.com)

this t an ideal woman looks like…legs, boobs n ass. KKKK (smithfamilycolorado.com)

 

If a woman/ girl goes out her way to hide this and put up such a front, I wonder what else she is hiding. Anyway, the discussion soon turned to issues that touch my heart…women and their self-identity. It got me thinking just how women are under pressure to present this “ideal woman” whom none of us actually knows what she is like or how she even looks like. No wonder people be bleaching their skins rotten, because to them, the ideal woman is a “yellow bone”. No wonder some women are battling bulimia and anorexia because they want to look “sexy”…I am not yet convinced that “sexy” is a dress size. No wonder some are insecure and go snooping into phones trying to find out just who their man is chatting with. No wonder some women, scratch that, no wonder I, ME, used to ask my then boyfriend WHY he was with me! Sad. The truth is that I (and many other women) did not think that we were (are) good enough for this man who I was with (some still think that they are not good enough.) I know one too many women who are trying so hard to be superwoman…being super mom, super wife, super daughter in law, super employee…and I  wonder ho wit is all supposed to balance out…Seems every other woman I know is or has battled trying to aim to be this woman, this paragon of virtue, the virtuous woman aka the Proverbs 31 woman. Lord help us, she has to be the innocent, the virgin yet also be the sex goddess whose sexual prowess puts  a sex worker to shame…how she is supposed to be able to be this, I have no idea…but the pressure is still there.

 

she shall be called WOMAN and not anything else that is descriptive (gopixpic.com)

she shall be called WOMAN and not anything else that is descriptive (gopixpic.com)

 

I really think that my mind is insane to question the demons that hound my fellows but it does. I am not even apologetic because I finally discovered what and who this ideal woman is…move over Angelina and your full lips, move over all you Indian women with your long and silky hair, move over your Swedes with your unending limbs….models, move the bloody hell over with your size zero bodies..I have finally found her.

 

Yes! After many dismal failures, I have found her!  (sparkpeople.com)

Yes! After many dismal failures, I have found her!
(sparkpeople.com)

 

The ideal woman is the one staring back in the mirror when I look into it. She is that woman who stares back in the mirror when the next lady steps in front of the mirror, too. Yes, the ideal woman is YOU! Your personality is what is ideal. Your body, your race, your hair, your attitude to life is what raises this woman to shine gloriously when you do YOU!

yes, this very short me is the ideal woman that is me!

yes, this very short me is the ideal woman who is me!

I take my bra off (and it is not a big size, mind you. lol) to every ideal woman staring back in the mirror.

 

I seriously take off my bra to you  (buzzfeed)

I seriously take off my bra to you
(buzzfeed)

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An Open Invitation To His Mistress(es)

Please accept this invite

Hi there,

Normally, I would not have communicated with you in such a manner but I think that it is best we put my husband’s interests at the fore and forego petty jealousies. You already know my name and I will say that I got your ‘name’ from my husband’s phone. It was saved as ‘Mechanic’ and I want to think that this is just a decoy. Anyway, I am proposing a win-win situation:

May you please accept an invitation to dinner or coffee or some such meal or tea where we can get to know one another. I have it on good authority that when you and I get to know one another, we can then understand each other and together, we can safeguard our health and that of our mutual man. Please note that I say ‘mutual’, it is not meant as a slur but I am being open… just in case, you know these things.

For starters, we have to reduce our attractiveness to him and also to other men. There have been proposed measures we should take and I will elaborate on them as I go.

  1. I am not sure that I can carry a bald look.

    Not a lot of women can carry the bald look, I prefer keeping my hairdo

  2. I have had four children and unfortunately, I come from the gene pool where our stomachs tend to publicly declare and show off our baby-pooches therefore loosing weight is out of the question for me. I am almost a granma, my eldest daughter is turning twenty-eight and she could get married and have a baby any day now.
  3. As for the cutting my bath times, I must admit that I have become too accustomed to the luxuries of bathing twice a day and I am not willing to give up my daily regime. Maybe you can reduce your bath times to say- twice a week and when you are menstruating, you will be allowed to add one more bath. You will have to discuss this with my husband just so you can agree on what will make him not be attracted to you that much. I heard from my own tete that he now values me for the children I bore him. Well, I will not get into the details of my bedroom life with you.

    Give up my baths??

  4. I am not too sure what your wardrobe looks like and consists of but it has been proposed that we dress shabbily. I am not too sure I will be able to successfully pull it off seeing that I was socialised into being a smart woman, who always dresses well to please her man (mukadzi anopfeka zvinopachiremerera kuzita remurume wake.) I am sure that this is one topic we can discuss over tea or lunch or something…we are both women and we were used to dressing to the nines.
  5. Seeing that I am hitting menopause soon, I will not be needing any such creams that will drain the moisture from my nether regions and I am almost sure that having a Female Genital Mutilation at my age would be too traumatic for my body. I know that I am sounding too selfish but I want to believe that for all that I have given and sacrificed for my family, I am entitled to some selfishness. You want to be a part of my family and besides, ndimi muchirikutemwa dzinobva ropa so I am sure that you will quickly bounce back from the circumcision. In the meantime, I will try my best to keep him satisfied so he wont go to someone else whilst you are recuperating.  I would really hate to do this invitation thing to someone else.
  6. I will try to talk my husband to agree with us having sex once a month. I am not too sure when the pill to curb his sexual libido will be on the market. You would have to tell me when you would want to be having sex with him so that I do not administer the pill to him that morning. (I am assuming that the pill will work like an anti-viagra.) Details pertaining to the pill will only be finalised once it has been availed for purchase.

As you can see, there is a lot at stake and I would be more than willing to pick out a ‘small house’ for my husband should you decline my invite. I can easily check if ‘Office’ is really the office number or not. Or I can just as easily make her my new ‘friend’. I am merely being courteous seeing that you and him had already begun some sort of a relationship underneath my nose. I noticed that you seem to call him more frequently than ‘Office ‘ does. I am not threatening you but I am sincerely welcoming you in the hope that you will think like me that us (you and I) becoming friends is the sure most way of keeping tabs on my husband and ensuring that we all stay safe in this day and age when HIV n AIDS are playing havoc in our part of the world.

Fear not, I have received this advice from our national leaders, MPs at that, so trust you me, it is very sound and we would be foolish not to follow it. Help me play a part in the global campaign to fight HIV n AIDS by accepting my invitation.

Let us join in the fight

Yours sincerely wishing to get involved in the fight to end HIV n AIDS as well as willing to save my marriage at all costs,

Mrs Man.

ps: Do let me know when we can meet and catch up soonest. I would have to re-arrange my diary but for my marriage and our health, I will gladly do it.

The Arrogance of the penis

I am sure I do not hold these sentiments alone although I might be alone in voicing them. I am seriously disgusted by the behaviour of some of the members of the opposite gender. It appears as if they have no sense of decorum at all. There are quite a number who just arbitrarily yank out their winkies from their trousers and point at some tree, wall, wheel or whatever feature is convenient at that particular moment and wee! Thank goodness beings move, lest we would have cases of children that have been on the receiving end of these seemingly haphazardly irrigating human pipes. (I would bet my bottom dollar that there are cases, even animals that have been urinated upon although no one would admit to it- whether they have been the urinator or the urinatedee.) The case of that musician who did it on some under-age girl is something else that I shall not use as evidence in this particular case.

So common place has become this practice (of urinating anywhere else but inside a W.C (pronounce this with the accent) as the French call the little room) that one actually anticipates that the next man is gonna whip out his willy and take aim anytime! This is one of the most disgusting practices that men have gotten away with notwithstanding the fact that law prohibits it. To note that this is done not only by drunks but even those men with whom one would associate sobriety is even more alarming. Excuse me for not having a penis, but I think that that particular piece of anatomy is one of the least visually appealing body parts on men and should just be kept hidden from unrestricted spotlight, even when there is no one ‘watching/looking’ or within eyesight. Even if I were into penis watching, I am quite sure that I would not want to look at just any! Surely it was no fluke that it was designed to be buried inside Ms Vagina during intercourse!

Speaking of which…. I think that the penis ought to have come with a head that had a brain. It cannot just assume that every woman its master comes across must get a nod of acknowledgement (worse encounters have it standing to attention!) Such a gesture is just uncouth and coarse especially when it is for any chance woman, which is usually the majority of the cases. And mentioning uncouth, there is yet another thing that men do that just riles women all over the world. It occurs during another of these ‘leaking fluid’ events that humans engage in. The ugly looking member having engorged and become as turgid as can be, and thus finally become eye-catching and, promising fulfilment and pleasures galore, only manages a few strokes before spewing out spermatozoa! (Okay, this is probably not its fault but that of its master who, in most cases, lacks self-control and knowledge of how to illuminate pleasure in his partner and this incidentally, serves as one reason to campaign for Peepee to have his own brain.) I want to believe that it wilting upon ejaculation is its own way of trying to blush on behalf of its master who lies spent, unaware that if progenies were a result of female orgasm, the human race would have probably faced the fate of the dodo. Yet such is the arrogance of the penis that it shall still rise to nod for another woman, erect for another attractive one whether she reciprocates the feeling or not, it shall insist and agree to coming out from the covering of clothing to urinate on some feature and ultimately, it shall vomit into Ms Vagina after being sexified. Such arrogance!